I’m so excited!  I’m dust, and to dust I shall return.  Every year in the life of the church, we observe a Holy Day called Ash Wednesday.  Ash Wednesday is on Valentine’s Day this year, so I hope to see you at church at 7pm on February 14.  Somehow, we’ll include Love in all this.
Ash Wednesday is the day that starts us on a path to Easter.  This service begins the church season of Lent, the six weeks we use to prepare for Easter.  At this service, I will draw crosses on each person’s forehead while they kneel around the altar. 

Although some find this service “too real” and “too focused on death”, I find great meaning, great joy, and great life in it.  For it communicates so many things.  It lets me know that I belong to God, no matter what.  If I’m a tiny infant, or near death, we all have the same cross on our heads, and we all belong to God the same.  It equalizes the playing field to know that we are all going to die, and I love knowing that even though each of us are sinners (do things that cause separation and hurt), we are all in it together.  We are all made from the same dust, and we will return to the same dust, and we belong to the same God who sees us, knows us, and saves us anyway.

There is a healing aspect to this service, for it brings us together as a community.  We start our journey of six weeks knowing that we belong to God, that God made us, and that we’re all equally guilty, equally messy equally death-dealing, and equally saved.
This is a day when we get real about death, real about the pain we cause each other, God, ourselves, and the planet.  We acknowledge how much the same we are, how much God loves us, and how we are all in it together.

This time of year, in the church, and our lives, we are getting ready for Jesus.  We are getting ready to celebrate a tiny baby in a manger, God coming into the world in unexpected ways. 
It is in the vulnerability of the infant that we see God open Herself up to humanity in brand new ways.  Jesus changes everything. 
​

Often, congregations work like families.  A group of us have gotten together three times now to think about our family at Calvary.  How do we interact with one another?  How do we define ourselves, while staying part of a community?  What happens when things are not going well between two groups, two people, or leadership?  How do we resolve differences in healthy ways?  For those of you who have been coming, I’ll rely on you to share what you’ve learned with others.  If you haven’t had a chance to come, the first two are posted.  You can read all about what we’re learning and how we’re growing as a congregation by clicking on the two buttons below. ​

​At the end of Workshop Three, we talked about how Bibles that sit on coffee tables and look pretty, but are never opened and read, can’t really change our lives or help us follow Jesus.  Similarly, allowing these workshops to help us grow as a congregation only works as much as we follow through on new behaviors. Those at the workshop asked me to communicate our four goals for the congregation to you.  The plan is that the congregation will work hard on these goals, and we’ll meet again on February 18 after fellowship time.  At that time, we’ll do chapters 11-13 of the book and evaluate how we’re doing with our goals.  I also encourage people to write about their progress --– how things are going; what’s hard about it; how prayer matters in the process; where things went well; where conversations did not go well.  Also, I invited people to share reflections with me on the process. 

​Are you ready?  The goals requested by the workshop participants are on the next page.  They are also posted by the kitchen pass-through so that we can keep them in mind. Don’t worry about getting this all at once.  It’ll take a long time, and this is just a brief overview to get us started and it will let you know that workshop participants (along with others) might be speaking to you differently from now on.  Also, if this is all new and totally overwhelming for you, be sure to read the book if you have it, and ask questions of those who've come to the workshops.  It is ok to just pick one of these goals for you to read and concentrate on for the next month or two.  

In places where people have been worried for a long time it is called chronic anxiety.  In most groups, when the worry is high, like worrying for years about the survival of the congregation, we start to want to blame other people.  Often we think “If that person just would/would not do this/that . . our church would grow fine.”  However, what we have learned is that “I statements” make a world of difference.  They are hard in the moment when we’re not used to them, so just imagine Jesus arguing with his parents, and then try again the next time.  The point is to try to use them and see if they work.

​“I statements” are formatted like this: “I think/feel __________________ when you ___________________________.”  For example, someone reading this might be saying, “I feel uncomfortable when Pastor Jess talks about these goals because I do not want to do them.”  That’s an I statement, and a good and honest one.  

We accomplish this goal in two primary ways.  If someone at church comes to you to complain about someone else, or talk about how someone else needs to change, then the first step is to offer to help them think about how they can go directly to the person they have the problem with.  Saying things like, “If you have a problem with Pr. Jess, you need to go talk directly to Pr. Jess” will really help.  Also, you can ask clarifying questions.  What is she doing you don’t like?  How do you want things to be different?  Let me help you think of how to tell her how you’re feeling about this.  What’s really going on?  How might you need to change the ways you talk to Pastor?  How might you need to hold your boundaries better?  What tools can you use?  It is the job of the person listening to not become part of the relationship triangle, and to help the person talking understand themselves better, and go directly to the person they are struggling with.

The workshop participants have noticed a pattern that often people at church relate to one another through complaining.  While this can be a good way for two people to feel close to one another and on the same page, it can also drag an organization down.  There is a difference between complaining and these preferable things:

• Thinking about how to change the situation
• Defining yourself in the situation, What is your role?
• Thinking about what you have control over
• Venting emotions for a short time so you can move onto more                                      constructive ideas

The workshop participants have many tools for responding when they hear complaining.  Those tools include asking more questions to help people define themselves, putting time limits on how long they are willing to listen, helping people to use “I statements” and other things of this nature.  While it is important to take feelings and stress seriously, it is also important that we do not pass it around so that it gets bigger without any problem solving, processing, or solutions. 

​The group decided that this would be a helpful thing for our congregation to know.  How do we define an argument, verses a discussion?  Is it the emotional intensity?  The use of “I statements”? The ways blame and anxiety get passed around?  The amount of constructive problem solving?  When these two things are confused, often people try to avoid difference all together.  They do not talk about things in open and honest ways, and avoid solving problems all together to avoid an argument breaking out.  This is most likely when an emotional system has low tolerance for people having different needs.  It is possible in some places to say “I don’t like that, that doesn’t work for me, and I am in favor of it because I understand this might be a good way that our community can show Jesus to the world.”  When we know how to have a discussion, and when people have space to define themselves, it actually becomes much easier to move forward as a group toward a common goal.  Although it might look nice on the surface, when people do not define themselves and their position, it is much harder to move forward together.  

​That’s it!  And that’s enough.  This stuff is hard work.  I find much hope in knowing that Jesus was human.  He lived on earth among humans.  There are times he gets into triangles, especially when he offloads his anxiety to God about the disciples not getting that the Good News is about Life for All.  Of course, as we celebrate our very human Baby Jesus this winter, we look forward to knowing that Jesus was also Divine, that God has become human and can redeem humanity.  Jesus will forgive us as many times as it take to work on these goals, with love, compassion, understanding, and guidance.  May we know that the human Jesus is with us in this, and that the Divine Jesus will always forgive us and offer us New Life and the chance to try again.  Thanks be to God!  Amen.  

​First, let me say that I love this congregation, and I love being your Pastor.  I am so excited to see all the new ways we can do ministry together.  As part of our renewal efforts, this month I’m going to invite us into learning how to recognize bullies and how to hold them accountable, and how to stand up to them.  If we want to invite new people, especially children, into our place, we need to be sure that we are working on having a good culture that is full of emotional safety for everything. 

​Although learning a new way of doing things and culture change is hard, I know that we can do it for the sake of Jesus and for the sake of being a place where the Good News of Jesus is communicated to all those around us and all those who walk through our doors.  I also know that when we start talking about culture change some people think that they must leave.  Sometimes people can feel nervous or anxious, or try to control other things about the group when culture change happens.  If you are having a hard time with this, or thinking about this, or even talking about this kind of thing, please, please come and talk to me.  I’m always here for you to listen to your ideas and thoughts, and worries about what will happen with Calvary in the future.  I know from reading and studying other churches in renewal efforts that having open and honest conversation is important, and that so is culture change.

​Many of us were taught as children that to be Christian means to “be nice”.  In some churches, that has meant not challenging people who are constantly bringing negativity, speaking meanly to others, using overly harsh or intimidating words, or are looking to blame “out there” and “the secular” for what’s happening inside our churches.  I can’t do anything about out there, or parents these days.  All we can do together is create a culture of physical and emotional safety inside our doors, and invite people to come. This is a topic that is coming up in a lot of churches this September, so I’d like to invite us into the topic, too.  Remember, sometimes the best way to communicate the love of God is to help others understand when they are not communicating that way.  A community that is centered on Jesus can help us grow, forgive us when we mess up, and teach us to be in healthy relationships with one another.  Boundaries are loving, and they are nice, even if they can bring more challenges in the moment, in the long term, they bring about health and wholeness, along with honesty.  Will you please take a moment to read the outline I shared with council and work together with me on this culture change?  Thanks!  I know from both research, by Bible, and my heart, that learning healthy communication and how to have healthy conflict with boundaries around bullying are one of the best ways churches can grow.  Let me know how you’re doing with this.  Let’s all keep working together as the community of love that God has created us to be.  Thanks for being in this ministry with me! 
 
School is starting and lot is coming out about bullying culture.  It hurts people, can sometimes lead to death and mental illness, and leave permanent trauma scars in people’s brains and bodies. 
Bullying

1. We need to learn how to recognize bullying behavior and how to stand up to bullies. 
2. If kids are experiencing bullies in school, we need to be sure that we, as the adults at church, are aware of how to stand up for ourselves and how to teach them.  We also need to be sure that our church is a bully free zone. 
3. Whenever you hear someone say something in church that might be bullying, these things might happen
   1. You might feel a little funny flutter in your stomach.
   2. You might feel your cheeks turn red.
   3. You might feel warmer.
   4. You heart rate might slighting increase.
4. We are often taught to ignore these things as a system, and they hurt us.  It is no ONE person’s responsibility to respond to these things, but it is everyone’s responsibility.  I can promise that nearly every time you feel a little funny and don’t speak up, someone else wishes they were brave enough to speak up, too, but don’t, because they think the community approves of the behavior because no one else spoke up. 
5. Often, when the system has been used to letting these things slide for a long time, it can be really, really scary to learn to speak up. 
6. Peter was afraid on the boat today, too. (Matthew 14:22-33).  Gotta be scared all together, name it for what it is, and learn to speak up all together.
7. If you notice that you are feeling one of those feelings above, you might ask someone close to you to grab your hand, and then you can speak up.  Here are some choices:
   1. “I felt funny when you said that, I don’t know if that was ok.”
   2. “Please do not speak to people that way.”
   3. I just heard you say that you think this other person is less valuable than you, is that what you meant?
   4. I wonder how this other person felt when you said that? 
   5. It seems that you need some attention here, can you try saying that more nicely or what you might really mean?
   6. I read in the Bible that we are supposed to build each other up as the Body of Christ.  I wonder if you thought your statement built someone up?
8. Please also read the linked article about the kinds of things that can happen when people start to stand up to bullies.  Let Pastor Jess know if you’d like a paper copy, and if you want Large Print.   http://mindbodyintegrativecounseling.com/tag/bully-retaliates/
9. This is an important piece of our system change at Calvary.  It will hurt.  It will be hard.  People might leave over it because they like things the way they are.  However, we also must ask how many people have left before because of feeling unsafe or like things were not quite right in the ways we interact?  I’m new, I don’t know, but I think we need to be asking the question as I’ve read and learned more about bullying in schools and churches as school is starting and there’s a lot being put out about it. 
10. Come and talk to me if you need/want to or are struggling with this. 
11. It’ll be hard, messy, and we’ll likely not be very good at it for a while.  Let’s work at it together as the body of Christ, hold each other accountable, and try to pay attention to the larger and often unstated things and feelings and bring them into the open.
12. Thanks for being in ministry with me and for us doing this work for God all together!

 

On May 15th, I will begin a new call at Calvary Lutheran Church in Chicago.  It is a part time, one-year term call.  The goal is to figure out the possibilities for Calvary as a Mission Redevelopment.  To do this, we are engaging in a one-year process of discernment together.

At the call meeting, the congregation and I signed a discernment covenant together.  You can download it here if you are interested in setting up a covenant like this for your struggling congregation.