Back to School Bullying Resource for Congregations

Sept. Newsletter aRticle

​First, let me say that I love this congregation, and I love being your Pastor.  I am so excited to see all the new ways we can do ministry together.  As part of our renewal efforts, this month I’m going to invite us into learning how to recognize bullies and how to hold them accountable, and how to stand up to them.  If we want to invite new people, especially children, into our place, we need to be sure that we are working on having a good culture that is full of emotional safety for everything. 

​Although learning a new way of doing things and culture change is hard, I know that we can do it for the sake of Jesus and for the sake of being a place where the Good News of Jesus is communicated to all those around us and all those who walk through our doors.  I also know that when we start talking about culture change some people think that they must leave.  Sometimes people can feel nervous or anxious, or try to control other things about the group when culture change happens.  If you are having a hard time with this, or thinking about this, or even talking about this kind of thing, please, please come and talk to me.  I’m always here for you to listen to your ideas and thoughts, and worries about what will happen with Calvary in the future.  I know from reading and studying other churches in renewal efforts that having open and honest conversation is important, and that so is culture change.

​Many of us were taught as children that to be Christian means to “be nice”.  In some churches, that has meant not challenging people who are constantly bringing negativity, speaking meanly to others, using overly harsh or intimidating words, or are looking to blame “out there” and “the secular” for what’s happening inside our churches.  I can’t do anything about out there, or parents these days.  All we can do together is create a culture of physical and emotional safety inside our doors, and invite people to come. This is a topic that is coming up in a lot of churches this September, so I’d like to invite us into the topic, too.  Remember, sometimes the best way to communicate the love of God is to help others understand when they are not communicating that way.  A community that is centered on Jesus can help us grow, forgive us when we mess up, and teach us to be in healthy relationships with one another.  Boundaries are loving, and they are nice, even if they can bring more challenges in the moment, in the long term, they bring about health and wholeness, along with honesty.  Will you please take a moment to read the outline I shared with council and work together with me on this culture change?  Thanks!  I know from both research, by Bible, and my heart, that learning healthy communication and how to have healthy conflict with boundaries around bullying are one of the best ways churches can grow.  Let me know how you’re doing with this.  Let’s all keep working together as the community of love that God has created us to be.  Thanks for being in this ministry with me! 
 
School is starting and lot is coming out about bullying culture.  It hurts people, can sometimes lead to death and mental illness, and leave permanent trauma scars in people’s brains and bodies. 
Bullying

1. We need to learn how to recognize bullying behavior and how to stand up to bullies. 
2. If kids are experiencing bullies in school, we need to be sure that we, as the adults at church, are aware of how to stand up for ourselves and how to teach them.  We also need to be sure that our church is a bully free zone. 
3. Whenever you hear someone say something in church that might be bullying, these things might happen
   1. You might feel a little funny flutter in your stomach.
   2. You might feel your cheeks turn red.
   3. You might feel warmer.
   4. You heart rate might slighting increase.
4. We are often taught to ignore these things as a system, and they hurt us.  It is no ONE person’s responsibility to respond to these things, but it is everyone’s responsibility.  I can promise that nearly every time you feel a little funny and don’t speak up, someone else wishes they were brave enough to speak up, too, but don’t, because they think the community approves of the behavior because no one else spoke up. 
5. Often, when the system has been used to letting these things slide for a long time, it can be really, really scary to learn to speak up. 
6. Peter was afraid on the boat today, too. (Matthew 14:22-33).  Gotta be scared all together, name it for what it is, and learn to speak up all together.
7. If you notice that you are feeling one of those feelings above, you might ask someone close to you to grab your hand, and then you can speak up.  Here are some choices:
   1. “I felt funny when you said that, I don’t know if that was ok.”
   2. “Please do not speak to people that way.”
   3. I just heard you say that you think this other person is less valuable than you, is that what you meant?
   4. I wonder how this other person felt when you said that? 
   5. It seems that you need some attention here, can you try saying that more nicely or what you might really mean?
   6. I read in the Bible that we are supposed to build each other up as the Body of Christ.  I wonder if you thought your statement built someone up?
8. Please also read the linked article about the kinds of things that can happen when people start to stand up to bullies.  Let Pastor Jess know if you’d like a paper copy, and if you want Large Print.   http://mindbodyintegrativecounseling.com/tag/bully-retaliates/
9. This is an important piece of our system change at Calvary.  It will hurt.  It will be hard.  People might leave over it because they like things the way they are.  However, we also must ask how many people have left before because of feeling unsafe or like things were not quite right in the ways we interact?  I’m new, I don’t know, but I think we need to be asking the question as I’ve read and learned more about bullying in schools and churches as school is starting and there’s a lot being put out about it. 
10. Come and talk to me if you need/want to or are struggling with this. 
11. It’ll be hard, messy, and we’ll likely not be very good at it for a while.  Let’s work at it together as the body of Christ, hold each other accountable, and try to pay attention to the larger and often unstated things and feelings and bring them into the open.
12. Thanks for being in ministry with me and for us doing this work for God all together!