Family Systems Workshop #2: Hula hoops and Marbles

to read about workshop #1, check it out here. 

Introduction

Our congregation has committed to engage in workshops once a month that help us think about the ways to be a healthy church that is for proclaiming the love of Jesus to all the world.  At workshop #1, we learned about making "I statements", about how congregations are connected in emotional systems, how we affect one another, and how anxiety is spread throughout the system.  

Materials

Bible
Two Hours of Time
​White Board/Chart Paper and Markers
Jump Ropes
Hula Hoops
Marbles
Pool Ring
Creating a Healthier Church by Ronald W. Richardson, Ch. 4-6

Gathering Introductions

​Everyone chose a marble from a container, and then we went around the circle of 12 people.  Each person shared how they thought that marble represented them.  We found out that everyone used different words to describe their marbles, even when they appeared the same way to the eye.  Words like: maybe some will think this is ugly, but I think it’s beautiful, pretty, pitted, different, sparkly, textured, interesting, iridescent, see-through, gold, yellow, clear, opaque.  This became a helpful discussion about perception, and the multiple ways one might describe the same thing.  

Part one: Bible

We worked with Acts 4:32-5:11 and noticed some things about the text.  We noticed that God doesn’t kill Ananias, but that he just falls dead.  Maybe from grief?  Maybe from shame?  How does it hurt us when we can’t live in community well?  Does living in community mean giving up everything we have?  We didn’t have any good answers; however, it was interesting to sit with a group of congregation members and interrogate a Bible story about togetherness and separation.  If nothing else, this story highlights how hard it is to live in community, and gives us motivation for learning to do it well.
As people said what they noticed about the story, their answers were: fell down and died, great fear, none had any need, alarmed, power, lied to God, [guilt/shame/shock]

Part Two: Life Forces

​Basic overview of Life Forces, including Unity/Difference, Closeness/Isolation, Sameness/Difference, including discussion questions from Chapter 4 for group discussion.  Where is the anxiety around close/distant in our congregation? What things does one have to believe to belong to this congregation?  Be ok with?  What is necessary for who we are?  Some of our answers about Conformity at Calvary were

• Preaching is required for worship.
• About half of the congregation allows for children’s noise in worship.
• Don’t routinely cuss.
• We eat together.  FOOD
• Music is necessary for worship.
• Liturgy is necessary for worship.
  • Lord’s Prayer
  • Creed
• Communion is necessary.
• Time

[The image is of a sheet of paper that reads: For Group Discussion: 1. What specific differences does your congregation seem to deal well with? Which ones cause more problems? 2.How do members of your congregation attempt to achieve “peace and unity” in the church, in the midst of significant difference? 3. To what extent is “unity” defined as “sameness” and “lack of diversity” in your church. Give examples. 4. How much “sameness” is needed in a congregation in order to feel “unified”? Is there such a thing as too much diversity? 5.How does your church draw boundaries and decide who belongs to “us” and who belongs to “them”? 6. If having “the mind of Christ” includes respecting the diversity of members of the body, how well does your congregation do this? 7. What other Biblical Passages or Theological Themes seem relevant to your thinking about peace, unity and diversity in the church? [h/t to River Cook Needham for the image desription. Send them some business at: https://www.facebook.com/queerxtian

Part THree: Tug Of War

​Four volunteers demonstrated the close/distant dynamic with jump ropes.  They also included the pursuer/distancer dynamic.  People tried to put others closer, while others tried to pull away.  For example, see below:
One:
A: Oh my gosh, I haven’t seen you in a week, how are you?  When we can get together?
B: Ummm, I’m not sure.  I’ve been really busy lately.
A: Let’s have dinner tonight!
B:  I can’t, I have family coming over.
A: How about Monday? Or Tuesday?
B: [Drops her end of jump rope and leaves conversation.]
Two:
A: Hey, welcome to our church!  I’m glad you came today. How are you?  Would you like to get together for dinner soon?
B:  I’m not ready for that, could we meet for coffee instead?
A: OK! 
[They stay connected by the rope, AND respected one another’s boundaries.]

Part Four:
​Boundaries/Thinking for Self

Overview/Teaching on how we think for ourselves, how anxiety is spread around the system, how we use language. Discussion on being reflective, owning our own thoughts and feelings.  We covered feeling/thinking, being reactive/reflective, ownership of our thoughts and feelings, the concept of “you make me” v. “I feel/think when you ____________”, how we try to make ourselves more comfortable by sharing level of threat, ​not relying on other to “make you feel better.”

"squared circle ~ erin with her hula hoop" by hobvias sudoneighm, taken on Oct. 24, 2004. Origional at: https://www.flickr.com/photos/striatic/1082718. Used by permission of https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Part Five: Hula Hoops

​First, we created a story about a power pole breaking from a lightning strike during Sunday School.  It crashes into our kid’s play area, putting a hole in the roof.  Water from the large rainstorm in pouring into our fellowship hall.   We practiced two different ways of spreading anxiety around, one that involved owning our own responsibility and worries, and one that did not. 
Everyone got into small groups of 2 or 3.  We had hula hoops of anxiety, and passed them around.  We blamed others for problems, complained, and handed hula hoops to our partners.  If Person A was the one sharing the hula hoop of anxiety, often Person B would respond with “When I hear you talk that way, I feel ______________.”  This resulted in only hurt feelings, anger, and very little problem solving. 
We also practiced putting hula hoops around ourselves and owning our own thoughts/feelings.  We practiced using “I statements”.  Everyone could name their own worry, and what they thought they could do to help with the situation.  Many ideas for problem solving were shared, and everyone felt better at the end. 
Discussion:  What is the role of feelings?  How does it help to give them the proper role? By using our feelings to let us know something isn’t ok, or something needs to be done, we can move to proactive goal-focused conversation.  It is not about not having feelings, it is about giving them their place in being an alert system, owning them, having them acknowledged, and then moving onto problem solving. 

ParT Six: Marbles aND A rING FOR cHRISTMAS eVE

In order to understand how we are each our separate selves while moving forward as a community, we collectively decided to talk about Christmas Eve.  There was an idea on the table that we would partner with another small nearby congregation.  We would do an earlier Interactive Children’s Service, and the other congregation would do a later Candlelight service.  We would advertise together, people could attend earlier service, and the Pastors would be at both services. Unbeknownst to me, the time of the Christmas Eve service was normally a conflictual conversation with high levels of threat and anxiety.

For this conversation, we had two minutes of silence while everyone started into their marbles and decided what they thought about this idea.  [add picture of chart paper where answers were recorded]
The pool ring was slid from the leader to the next person at the table.  That person said what they thought, placed their marble into the ring, and then slid with ring (taking the marble with it) to the next person at the table.  We went around the entire table, and people named their own self-interest.  They said parts of the idea they liked, where they might go for Christmas Eve, and the times of their personal family dinners. We learned that some people do not like the pews at the other congregation, and that some people might like to come to both services, but cannot drive after dark.  We learned that some people have felt hurt in the past when the service was scheduled at a time they could not attend – they felt left out of the community.
​
The second time around, everyone took a second marble.  This time, people said what they thought was right for the community.  The second time, after everyone had claimed their own ideas, everyone thought that the partnership was good for the community, as long as there was non-pew seating, and rides for after dark.  It was powerful to have each person talk twice, and to have people make a difference between their self-interest and the interest of the community.  It was the calmest conversation about Christmas Eve in years according to one participant.

We demonstrated again how the marbles all stayed distinct with their own glass borders, AND were all able to move in the same direction for the same purpose.  No one got lost, and everyone moved together, while staying separate people.  ​

CLosing Word

​In closing, everyone said one word in reaction, and they we prayed together.  Words were:

• Hopeful
• Complicated
• Intrigued
• Feeling good about Calvary
• More Open
• More Communication
• Hopeful
• Gained Ground
• Happier

We all agreed at the end that we like our church, and are happy to be part of it! 

Follow-Up

​Three weeks after this workshop, a council meeting was held.  It could have been a highly conflictual one.  A conflict between two council members was brought out during the meeting.  The conversation was intense; however, it is notable for what was absent and what was present. Absent was yelling, chair throwing, name calling, and personal attacks.  Present were “I statements”, clarification of ideas, clarification of communication, clarification of responsibilities going forward, and requests for things to be in writing.  This will eventually include job descriptions for each committee and council position so that everyone knows who is responsible for what, and whom reports to who.  This congregation, that has a history of avoiding conflict and walking on egg shells around those who are upset, solved a conflict with ownership, problem-solving, and clarification.  We not only tolerated the conflict, we moved forward to help prevent it from happening again!  The workshops are working.  Even though I wrote them, presented them, and taught them, I could not be sure that would work.  Good news, they are!!
 
P.S.  At least for now.  Systems often try hard to go back to the way things used to be, so we’ll see what the pushback is, and how that will be handled.  However, we are celebrating the great progress that we’ve made.  Also, if you’d like me (Pastor Jess) to come and do these workshops with your congregation or staff, you can contact me here.